Germaphobe

Hi, my name is Jessica, and I’m a germaphobe. Yes it’s true. I swear I have super powers that enable me to see these nasty little buggers whose whole purpose in life is to make me sick. (Adam tells me I’m insane and what I’m really seeing is just dust.) Do you know what’s not good to have when you have a problem like mine? ….KIDS!

Kids are freaking gross. I’m not kidding. Who in their right mind is ever ok with green, germy boogers hanging out of their nose? Kids. Who has no qualms about teething on the handle of a Walmart cart? Kids. Who finds a delectable treat in their nose on a regular basis? That’s right….kids!!

My own children are no exception to the norm. As horrifying as it may be, I have seen these little people that came from my own womb pick gum up off the ground and try to eat it. I’ve also caught them licking their runny noses, writing hieroglyphics on their bedroom walls with their own feces, splashing merrily in a toilet full of urine, and trying to eat it their own vomit. In fact, my daughter Jovie was quite angry with me when she puked up pizza and I wouldn’t let her eat it. Who knew Aldi made such a good pizza! I have lucked out considering my mother-in-law found Adam eating someone else’s poop from out of the toilet when he was little. There he was, two logs in his hand and a proud smile with the nasty all through his teeth. It gives real meaning to the phrase, s*#% eating grin! That story always makes me retch a little in my own mouth.

Lesson 7: Eating someone else’s fecal matter = white trash

Thank goodness for Costco. It’s the perfect place for people like me. There I can buy bulk paper towels, cans of Lysol, Chlorox wipes, and the biggest tubes of Airborne I ever did see, all for a great price.

When we go out in public I always have hand sanitizer and Chlorox wipes on hand. Adam is embarrassed by my obsessive wiping of shopping carts. He doesn’t think I need to sanitize every little piece of the cart, but I never know what part they are going to grab or what disgusting, runny nosed kids had just occupied it.

I wasn’t always like this. It wasn’t until I had more than two kids. Do you know how long it takes for a sickness to circulate through our house? The months of January and February 2008….gone, due to a stomach bug immediately followed by a nasty cold. May 2008….gone, quarantined to the house. I swear we all had swine flu. So do you should see why I’m a little maniacal about the sanitizing? When I see one of my kids with a runny nose, I sigh and prepare myself for at least a month of illness.

Now, some of you may disagree with me, but my kids are sick right now, and I’m tired of wiping noses, distributing vile after vile of antibiotics and ibuprofen (Not to mention, holding Jude down and forcing him to swallow the pink liquid that smells like crap), dry cracked hands from perpetual washing, and my house being in a thick cloud of Lysol. So in honor of my current situation and based purely on the fact that I loathe them:

Lesson 8: GERMS ARE WHITE TRASH!!