Thinking Arby's

The first few weeks after bringing a baby home, those who come to meet the new addition looks them over and tells you who they think they resemble. Sometimes it’s generic, “He looks like you.” I think the best comparison I ever got was when my mom looked at Jude as an infant and told me, “He has Poppy’s nostrils.” Now that was specific!

Stone has been no different. Though I’ve heard very different opinions about most things about him, the one thing they all agree on is that he has my lips. Poor kid, he inherited the full lips that practically ruined my childhood.

I have to admit, at that age my lips didn’t fit my face, and it was pure ammunition for cruel kids to torment me every day. They called me horrible names and would stick out their bottom lips and use their tongues to make big upper lips, pretending to be me. I went home upset quite often. To make me feel better, my mom would tell me, “Those lips will make you famous one day.” She would then show me people like Mick Jagger or Steven Tyler who are known for their large smackers. This is why, though I’m not the one in the family obsessed with the Rolling Stones, I have a special affection for Mick Jagger.

Stone’s lips are just the same. Being entirely too big for his face, we have a good time watching what his amusing lips can do. For instance, since he has no teeth, occasionally he will suck in his bottom lip in the middle, creating two perfectly sized bottom lips. Adam’s favorite is when he flattens his bottom lip and sucks in the sides of his top lip, forming a cowboy hat shape. When this happens, Adam lovingly states with a grin, “Look! Stone’s Thinking Arby’s!”

Now, Stone is not the first person in our family to Think Arby’s. About a month after we moved into our house, and a few years before the Thinking Arby’s campaign, we were driving to Walmart. Adam was the person physically driving. I sat in the passenger seat needing to be sedated. I don’t do well as a passenger. About a year before this incident Adam and I had had a fight about me being too over critical of his driving. I told him when to brake, when to slow down, and would hold onto the “Oh shit” bar the whole time looking completely terrified. It’s not that Adam is a bad driver. I’m a bad driver. I’m way too cautious, the type of person who brakes as soon as I see another car’s brake lights ahead, even if they’re five miles down the road. It’s pretty sad, and it Adam crazy when I'd warn him that cars were stopping at a red light.

“Yeah honey, I see it.” he’d tell me in a very annoyed tone. It got to the point where he asked me not say anything ever again or he’d leave me on the curb. Realizing I was driving my husband to insanity, I decided to keep quiet no matter how scared I felt. I did well for the following year. Even though my heart raced and I would often break into a cold sweat while Adam sat behind the wheel, I still kept my mouth shut.

Then, on the way to Walmart, on that beautiful warm clear day, we neared a stop light. Since it was such a nice day, no rain or snow, I was able to see things very clearly. We neared the light, a pick-up truck in front of us. My heart beat erratically as the truck’s bumper got closer and closer and our car’s speed didn’t seem to be slowing. The next thing I knew our car had been fused together with the truck’s rear end.

I looked over at Adam and all he had to say for himself was, “Whoops.”

Whoops? I thought to myself. This wouldn’t have happened if I was permitted to be annoying and overbearing.

“What were you looking at?” I demanded, confused at how he didn’t see the large truck now sticking out of our hood.

“Did you know they have two Arby’s melts for four dollars?” he asked with a grin.

Lesson 49: Wrecking your car because you want a roast beef sandwich = white trash

I looked to my right, there sat an Arby’s restaurant with a sign that read exactly what Adam had just told me. I whipped my head back around to glare at my husband, “You wrecked the car because you wanted a sandwich?!”

“Honey, it’s two Arby’s melts for four dollars!”

I was not amused.

A few years later the “Thinking Arby’s" commercials made their debut. The first time we saw one of those commercials, Adam and I both broke out in laughter. We joked about him getting out of the car after the accident with a big red outline of a hat floating above his head.

Now when we’re in the car and Adam suggests stopping at Arby’s, I immediately grab onto the “Oh shit” bar and hold on for my life.

More Car Trouble

It’s been a few weeks and we are still having some car trouble. Adam did successfully get his “new” car running. Brake lines were an easy fix. Unfortunately, we can’t fit our family in a Nissan Sentra. Sadly, the van is still sitting in the drive way, and Adam is working on it as I type.

We were getting by with our one tiny car and occasionally borrowing our neighbor Jackie’s car. She's been a real angel, letting us use her vehicle at the drop of a hat. Things seemed to be looking up until Thanksgiving.

Adam, being a chef, had to work on Thanksgiving. (Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like going to a fancy steakhouse! Sorry if this is what your family does, but I personally don’t understand.) Since these kinds of people take my husband away from me and our children on all holidays I have to say:

Lesson 35: Going to a restaurant on Thanksgiving instead of celebrating at home with family = white trash

Sorry for the brief distraction, I had to get that off my chest. Anyway, like I was saying, Adam had to work Thanksgiving and on the way home at 9pm he was in a car accident. This was no ordinary accident. It is the type of accident that only my family is lucky enough to be involved in.

Adam was driving down the right hand side of the road. The left side was completely open. Adam took a quick glance at the passenger side mirror and saw headlights.

“Well this can’t be good.” he said to himself. Boy was he right! There, coming up beside him, half on the sidewalk, was a truck. The truck tried to squeeze past Adam, destroying the whole passenger side of our newly fixed, only driven for a couple of weeks, “new” car. It cut Adam off and drove up onto the median on the other side, slid down, and then came to a stop. Adam pulled off on the side of the road and called 911.

While on the phone, Adam watched as the driver jumped frantically from his car and ran to the back. He searched until he found a flashlight and a gas can, with both items in hand, he began to run around with no apparent purpose.

Adam sighed, “Oh boy.” He could tell this wasn’t going to turn out well. “Sir,” he yelled out the window, “you should probably get out of the road.”

The man turned to Adam, realizing for the first time that he wasn’t alone. “Oh, right, right.” he responded. He ran over to Adam. “I’m half black, half Mexican.” he felt compelled to tell my husband. “Can you drive me to my house? I have a doctor’s appointment at 9 am. What time is it?”

“It’s 9:30.” Adam told him.

“Oh crap, I’m late!” he yelled, beginning to run around again.

“No, sir, it’s 9:30 at night. You still have a good twelve hours to get there.” He told the man, trying to calm him down.

“Oh good. Can you take me home?” he asked again.

“We better wait for the police and the ambulance.” Adam suggested. He figured this man had bumped his head or was under the influence, which would definitely require some sort of medical or legal attention.

The ambulance soon arrived to Adam’s relief. Adam pointed them in the direction of the man and informed them about his odd behavior and that he had to have hit his head or something. They went over to the gentleman and began asking him questions.

“Are you allergic to any medications?” they asked.

“Bananas.” was his response.

They checked him out further, but found nothing wrong other than his bizarre answers. A little later, the police arrived. The man explained to the officer that his truck got stuck in cruise control and he panicked.

After the interviews, Adam and the man stood together, waiting for the officer to return. Adam was highly amused with the man and his incoherent small talk. He spoke of things like how he was nervous for the tow man because he thought when they started his vehicle, since the cruise control was stuck, it was going to "blast to the moon". He also spoke of how tall his son was. He said he was going to be 9 foot tall by the age of 20, but then told Adam that was going to be hard since he was already 22.

Adam’s favorite part of the night, by far, was when the man’s face suddenly lit up. He held his finger high in the air as if he had some sort of brilliant idea, and then ran back to his truck. After rummaging through his car he returned with his arms full.

“I feel really bad,” he said, “I want you to have these. I just got this cd." he held the cd up triumphantly, "Here’s a hat, a pair of sunglasses and a piece of hard candy.”

Adam stood dumbfounded. “Uh, I don’t want your stuff man.”

“But it’s really good hard candy!” he insisted.

Adam looked at the lint covered piece of candy. “I’m sure it is. I just don’t need any of that stuff right now, but thank you.”

When the ordeal was over, Adam was released to come home. A few days have gone by and we've done everything we can to try and get our car fixed. Unfortunately, after speaking to this guy’s supposed insurance company, they are telling us they don’t have him on file. Adam hung up the phone and told me the bad news. After a few minutes of silence, Adam stated, “I should have taken the hard candy.”

Lesson 36: accepting a piece of “really good” hard candy in exchange for car damages = white trash