April Fools' Day

This year I decided to play an April Fools' joke on my kids. Every day, when I come down to get the boys ready for school, Jagger asks, "Three more days of school?", "Two more days of school?", etc. Well, it just so happens that April Fools' Day was on a Friday this year, and boy do my kids look forward to Fridays. I walked into the living room and said, "Boys, the school called last night, and you have to go to school on Saturday and Sunday this week."

My boys reaction was priceless. Jagger went into full on meltdown mode, screaming, "WHAAAAAAAT?!" as he oozed off the couch onto the floor, beginning to cry. Jet sat calmly and whined, "Whyyyyyyyy?"

I quickly told them, "Aaaaapril Foooools!" (with jazz hands). They both stopped the grimacing and started laughing, while giving my the "Aaaaaah, you!"

Anyway, I posted my prank on Facebook. I was pretty proud of my well pulled off joke. I was unprepared, however, for the onslaught of disapproval. "You're mean," was the overall comment. Talking to my one friend later, she said, "That was mean. They're going to get you back."

Get me back?! Get me back?! Are you serious? It's ALWAYS April Fools' Day here, and the joke is ALWAYS on ME!!

Waking me up at all hours of the night for stupid reasons, and not being able to sleep past 8 since 2003.......APRIL FOOLS!

Painting my kitchen, and before the day is over, finding a mural in red crayon covering two walls......APRIL FOOLS!

Speaking of murals, all the wall art over the years, made of crayon, permanent marker, paint, pencil, excrement........APRIL FOOLS!

Jovie being potty trained for two whole weeks, then uh-oh, she completely forgets how to use a toilet, and only pees on my couch and tiny floor rug. It doesn't make sense to pee on a surface that can be totally cleaned with ease.......APRIL FOOLS!

Jag and Jet dumping a whole brand new bottle of 72oz lotion, in their room, to make a home-made slip-and-slide........APRIL FOOLS!

Coming downstairs to find a gallon tub of ice cream with EVERY utensil I own sticking out of it.......APRIL FOOLS!

Jag and Jet unloading 2 containers of baby powder to make the living room look like a winter wonderland......APRIL FOOLS!

Speaking of messes, let's not for get the infamous Ratatouille morning, where I came downstairs to find Jag and Jet with a big mixing bowl completely full of eggs, 4 sticks of butter, and a container of grape tomatoes. Let me tell you, the mess wasn't only in the bowl. On my living room carpet was 1 dozen smashed hard boiled eggs, 3 dozen smashed raw eggs, 4 additional smooshed sticks of butter, and some random tomatoes, all blended into the carpet and strewn about with about 100 playing cards from one of my neighbors games. When I tried to clean the carpet it made meringue...APRIL FOOLS!

Trying to lay down, in bed, after a long, oh-so long day, and instead of my head meeting my pillow, it's met by this.....

                                          ..................................APRIL FOOLS!!

Bed full of pretzels anyone?.................APRIL FOOLS!!!

Not being able to sit and eat more than 2 bites of food before someone needs you to get them something.............APRIL FOOLS!

Destroying my laptop.........APRIL FOOLS!

Cleaning a room, only to have it wrecked within the hour..........APRIL FOOLS!

Jovie throwing raw eggs at Adam while he sleeps in our bed............APRIL FOOLS!

Jovie coming downstairs looking like Beetlejuice and smelling like a coconut, then tells me, "I washed my hair. You're welcome.".................APRIL FOOLS!

Watching annoying kid show after annoying kid show, only to be kept up at night because I can't get their stupid, yet catchy, songs out of my head...........APRIL FOOLS!

Destroying my camera with no remorse..............APRIL FOOLS!

Have I brought up enough examples to make everyone stop hating me? May I please play ONE pitiful joke on my kids without being made to feel guilty? My joke only lasted a minute, at most. I have endured joke after cruel joke for almost a decade.

Lesson 112: your life being one big joke = white trash



I guess I can't be mad. They did learn from the master. :)

Spicy

I don't know what's up with this pregnancy, but I crave hot stuff constantly. Hot sauce is the main staple of my diet. Every day, I sit down and spend some time with Franks Red Hot. The kids are fascinated by this phenomenon, and watch me, like I'm some freak-show, while I eat. If they see me grab the hot sauce bottle one of them will yell to the others, "Hey guys, Mom's eating hot sauce again!" Then they all come running to watch the spectacle.

The other day, Adam and I were in the car, and I said, "I want some hot wings." Adam's reply was, "What is wrong with this baby? Is it Latino?" I laughed. Then he got this look in his eyes, "Are you sleeping with the gardener?" he asked. I bluntly answered, "Yes." He stared at me for a few moments. I think he was trying to figure out why I answered that way. I'm sure, in those few minutes he actually wondered if I was having an affair. I smiled at him and nodded in his direction, and then in the direction of all the yard stuff that FILLED the back of our vehicle. We had just left Lowes to get the things he needed to finish our yard and garden that he had been working on for the past couple of days.

Relief washed over his face as he realized, "Oh yeah, I'm the gardener," he replied.

Lesson 111: being worried your wife is having an affair with your gardener, only to realize you are too poor to afford a gardener and YOU ARE the gardener = white trash

Man, how's he going to react when he hears I'm also sleeping with our plumber, electrician, in-house chef, mechanic, and handy-man?

Penny Pinchin'

With never ending car trouble this month, and in anticipation of our very first vacation this summer, Adam and I have been trying desperately to watch our money. (Watch it burn into flames is more like it.)

My parents raised my brother and me like we were in the Great Depression, so I know how to deal. Adam, not so much. Adam has always been one of those got some money in my pocket, now I gotta spend it quick, before it does something crazy, like get SAVED! No! Anything but that! I guess we even each other out. I would prefer to spend nothing. He wants to spend it ALL. Together (and with me occassionally taking his debit card away) we manage to spend reasonably. But, this month has made even Adam want to save money.


I posted on Facebook, earlier this week, that I actually dug out soggy croutons from our dinner salad, the night before, and toasted them in the toaster oven. Don't want to waste food. I got this idea from my Dad. The last time he visited, he did the same thing. I told him then it was gross and to just use new ones, but he refused. He actually put the re-toasted ones back in a bag and used them throughout the whole week he was here. They actually aren't too bad. I guess I grossed people out, though, because my one friend told me she would send me a fresh bag of croutons every week if I promised never to do it again.

Lesson 109: your eating habits cause such disgust, your friend from another state wants to send you croutons for life = white trash

Today, Adam and I were rearranging Jovie's and Stone's room. Jovie is now in a toddler bed. Can we get a sarcastic "Yeah."? Now she's free to torment and wake Stone up at all hours of the night. Anyway, as I swept, I commented on how the sweeper bag was full, and we needed to buy some more. Adam disappeared and came back with the shop-vac. He pulled the bag out of the sweeper and began to shop-vac the bag.

 Lesson 110: sweeping out a sweeper bag = white trash

The really sad thing is, when he was almost done, the bag broke. All that gross work for nothing. I did get a laugh at how much he looked like my Dad, as he dug out loose change and random legos. "I can't believe how carelessly you sweep," he said, "you have no mercy." This was exactly one of the things Adam complained about when he helped my Dad clean his old motorcycle shop. Adam swept and my Dad had to waste time digging through the dirt and pulling out every penny and loose screw.

The one cool thing that resulted from his bag digging, he found the little Jesus that fell off of his rosary about a month ago. He was so distraught when it happened. He searched everywhere. You should have seen his face when he pulled it out of a big ball of dirt. Even though the bag broke and his effort to save some money was futile, we still feel like it was an absolute success. :) 

Potty Time, Excellent!

Whoever said girls were easier to potty train than boys, never met my daughter. My four older boys were very easy. They peed on the potty once and it was over. They rarely had an accident. The only accidents were during the night, and that was only Jude and Jet. Jagger and Marky never had accidents.

Jovie has been a whole other, hair pulling experience. I've tried on several occasions to potty train her, but after a few days of cleaning puddles off of everything, and absolutely NO tinkle in the potty, I'd give up and tell myself I'd try again in a few months. Time and time again, it was the same song and dance. I accepted the fact that I would probably be changing my daughter's diaper before I helped her get into her wedding dress. Ok, so I knew it wouldn't be that bad.

A few days ago, she complained about her bum hurting. She gets diaper rashes often, and this one really bothered her. As she complained, Adam told her, "If you peed on the potty, your bum wouldn't hurt anymore." A light bulb went off in her little head. She ripped off her diaper, then went and sat on the potty. Excitement bubbled inside me. Could this be it? Has the day finally come?

"I peed!" she exclaimed. Adam and I ran over to check. Nothing. Talk about a let down. To our surprise, though, she didn't ask to put her diaper back on, which is what normally happens, followed by a tantrum when we tell her "no". She just jumped up all nudey-bum and went about her business.

About a hour later, she went upstairs. Suddenly, she came sliding down the stairs with a huge smile on her face, "Mommy! I peed!"

"Ok, I'll be there in a second," I said, not in any hurry to go look at an empty training toilet. I eventually made my way up there to find her doing a happy jig by the potty. I peered inside and VICTORY!! I danced with her, then gave her a whole cookie. She finally got it.

We have had a couple of accidents. One, she had just been woken up, and I think I took her diaper off before she was truly awake, and she peed on the couch. Then, she did her first #2, got so excited, stood up, and peed on the floor. We'll have to work on that one, but other than that, she's done great.

There was just one more thing I had to teach her. The potty chair downstairs, in the living room, has a little removable cup, so it can be quickly cleaned. I was sitting at the kitchen table when I saw Jovie coming into the room holding the cup. "I peed, Mom." Before I could grab the cup, to my horror, she lifted it to her lips and took a big old swig.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed in disgusted terror. As soon as it touched her lips, she realized it was nasty. She pulled the cup down as tinkle drooled out of her mouth all over the floor. "Ka-ka," she managed to cough out. I laughed, "Yeah, it's ka-ka. We don't drink our own pee." She handed me the cup, completely grossed out.

Sorry Jovie, but......

Lesson 108: drinking your own urine = white trash

I love ya baby girl, and we're so proud of you!!

Car Seats

Car seats are gross, especially after you let your kids eat in them. My kids' seats are always full of dry crushed cereals and old McDonalds fries. They also are stained from spilled juice boxes.

Like any other normal parent, I will get fed up and remove ALL car seats to give the fabric part a good cleaning in the washing machine and to wipe down the little crevices that aren't seen any other time, but for some reason are filled to the brim with mysterious filth.

The other day, Adam went to Lowes to get wood, so he removed all the car seats and put them on the porch. He never put them back in, and that night we had a torrential downpour, and all the seats were drenched. Let me tell you, a car seat full of Froot Loops is gross, but a car seat full of soggy Froot Loops is just plain nasty. It was time to be cleaned.

Adam and I removed all the material parts and cleaned them. When they were finished Adam put all the seats on the kitchen table to be reassembled. When we were finished, we left them on the table. We were leaving in an hour, so, we figured we'd put them back in when we left.

The time came to leave and Adam went out to the kitchen to retrieve the seats. A few seconds later, I heard him yell out in frustration, "Are you kidding me?" I ran to see what had happened. I got there just in time to see him tipping Stone's car seat upside down, as Cheerios rained down onto the kitchen floor.

Lesson 107: car seats full of cereal before they have a chance to be put back into the car = white trash

Seven

It's official. I'm pregnant.

Yep, during Adam's and my 7th year of marriage, we found out on February 7th that we were expecting our 7th child, due on the 7th of October. Then, when I called the doctor to make my appointment, the nurse said, "When you come in you will be 7 weeks." I smiled. Of course I would be.

With all this seven nonsense, I felt the number had to be significant. There were just too many 7's to ignore. A lot of people have suggested we name him (yes, I know it's a boy) Seven or something to do with the number. My sister-in-law sat with me the other day and researched the Greek and Latin words for seven and seventh. The only one I liked was the word septimus. That would definitely be a strong manly name. I'm still toying with the thought.

After my search with Kasey, I dug some more. I googled 7. I clicked on the link that said, "The link between God and the number 7". Hmmmm....that intrigued me. Within the first paragraph I read that 7 was a symbol of God's perfect completion and rest.

Perfect completion and rest? I warmly smiled at the perfect completion part, feeling that this baby would mark the perfect completion of our family. But rest? This simple word made jubilant tears stream down my face!

Lesson 106: tears of joy pouring down your face over the word rest = a clearly exhausted white trash woman

This shows you how extremely tired I've been. Reading that, for some reason, made me believe that if I gave birth to another child I would be granted rest. Huh? Does that make any sense at all? I haven't slept in over a month, because my kids have been sick since January 29th. No lie! In fact, we have only been fever free since Saturday. Marky had strep throat, Jagger had a double ear infection, Jude and I had bronchitis and all of us, but Adam, had a 5 day fever virus on top of it. It's like a coughing symphony all night long. I can't sleep through that. And I'm bringing another child into the world to cough along with them. Rest? I'm staying hopeful! You never know.

Even if this baby doesn't bring me rest, I'm still looking forward to meeting the "perfect completion" to our family.

Guns

There are a lot of boys in this house. This results in an ample supply of fake firearms. The fake ones have always been enough, but as of late, the boys have put in requests for REAL guns.

My response to their pleas? Dramatic laughter in their hopeful little faces.

Adam took the adult approach and decided to inform them about real guns. The conversation went like this:

Adam: "Boys, do you know what we use real guns for?"

Picture this, my boys jumping on our bed in excitement. I'm pretty sure they thought they were closer to reaching their dreams now that Dad had engaged them in a real conversation about it.

Their responses:

Jude: "To shoot trees!" - What did trees ever do to Jude? I wonder.

Jet: "To shoot animals that are being bad!" - Jet gets a gun and his first order of business is to find Old Yeller and put him down.

Jagger: "To shoot the Rebels!" - Oh, my little Sith Lord, living in a constant state of warfare with the Jedis in his mind.

Adam busted out laughing and the conversation was over. Trust me, they won't be getting real guns anytime soon.

Lesson 105: one question asked, and the responses from my children offend environmentalists, PETA, and those who use the Force = white trash