April 20, 2011


My boys have never expressed an interest in hockey, but this morning I came down to find them playing a game in my kitchen. I think we may have to get them some proper equipment.

Lesson 113: Kids playing a game of hockey with sweeper attachments and cookie cutters = white trash

April 8, 2011

April Fools' Day

This year I decided to play an April Fools' joke on my kids. Every day, when I come down to get the boys ready for school, Jagger asks, "Three more days of school?", "Two more days of school?", etc. Well, it just so happens that April Fools' Day was on a Friday this year, and boy do my kids look forward to Fridays. I walked into the living room and said, "Boys, the school called last night, and you have to go to school on Saturday and Sunday this week."

My boys reaction was priceless. Jagger went into full on meltdown mode, screaming, "WHAAAAAAAT?!" as he oozed off the couch onto the floor, beginning to cry. Jet sat calmly and whined, "Whyyyyyyyy?"

I quickly told them, "Aaaaapril Foooools!" (with jazz hands). They both stopped the grimacing and started laughing, while giving my the "Aaaaaah, you!"

Anyway, I posted my prank on Facebook. I was pretty proud of my well pulled off joke. I was unprepared, however, for the onslaught of disapproval. "You're mean," was the overall comment. Talking to my one friend later, she said, "That was mean. They're going to get you back."

Get me back?! Get me back?! Are you serious? It's ALWAYS April Fools' Day here, and the joke is ALWAYS on ME!!

Waking me up at all hours of the night for stupid reasons, and not being able to sleep past 8 since 2003.......APRIL FOOLS!

Painting my kitchen, and before the day is over, finding a mural in red crayon covering two walls......APRIL FOOLS!

Speaking of murals, all the wall art over the years, made of crayon, permanent marker, paint, pencil, excrement........APRIL FOOLS!

Jovie being potty trained for two whole weeks, then uh-oh, she completely forgets how to use a toilet, and only pees on my couch and tiny floor rug. It doesn't make sense to pee on a surface that can be totally cleaned with ease.......APRIL FOOLS!

Jag and Jet dumping a whole brand new bottle of 72oz lotion, in their room, to make a home-made slip-and-slide........APRIL FOOLS!

Coming downstairs to find a gallon tub of ice cream with EVERY utensil I own sticking out of it.......APRIL FOOLS!

Jag and Jet unloading 2 containers of baby powder to make the living room look like a winter wonderland......APRIL FOOLS!

Speaking of messes, let's not for get the infamous Ratatouille morning, where I came downstairs to find Jag and Jet with a big mixing bowl completely full of eggs, 4 sticks of butter, and a container of grape tomatoes. Let me tell you, the mess wasn't only in the bowl. On my living room carpet was 1 dozen smashed hard boiled eggs, 3 dozen smashed raw eggs, 4 additional smooshed sticks of butter, and some random tomatoes, all blended into the carpet and strewn about with about 100 playing cards from one of my neighbors games. When I tried to clean the carpet it made meringue...APRIL FOOLS!

Trying to lay down, in bed, after a long, oh-so long day, and instead of my head meeting my pillow, it's met by this.....

                                          ..................................APRIL FOOLS!!

Bed full of pretzels anyone?.................APRIL FOOLS!!!

Not being able to sit and eat more than 2 bites of food before someone needs you to get them something.............APRIL FOOLS!

Destroying my laptop.........APRIL FOOLS!

Cleaning a room, only to have it wrecked within the hour..........APRIL FOOLS!

Jovie throwing raw eggs at Adam while he sleeps in our bed............APRIL FOOLS!

Jovie coming downstairs looking like Beetlejuice and smelling like a coconut, then tells me, "I washed my hair. You're welcome.".................APRIL FOOLS!

Watching annoying kid show after annoying kid show, only to be kept up at night because I can't get their stupid, yet catchy, songs out of my head...........APRIL FOOLS!

Destroying my camera with no remorse..............APRIL FOOLS!

Have I brought up enough examples to make everyone stop hating me? May I please play ONE pitiful joke on my kids without being made to feel guilty? My joke only lasted a minute, at most. I have endured joke after cruel joke for almost a decade.

Lesson 112: your life being one big joke = white trash

I guess I can't be mad. They did learn from the master. :)

April 2, 2011


I don't know what's up with this pregnancy, but I crave hot stuff constantly. Hot sauce is the main staple of my diet. Every day, I sit down and spend some time with Franks Red Hot. The kids are fascinated by this phenomenon, and watch me, like I'm some freak-show, while I eat. If they see me grab the hot sauce bottle one of them will yell to the others, "Hey guys, Mom's eating hot sauce again!" Then they all come running to watch the spectacle.

The other day, Adam and I were in the car, and I said, "I want some hot wings." Adam's reply was, "What is wrong with this baby? Is it Latino?" I laughed. Then he got this look in his eyes, "Are you sleeping with the gardener?" he asked. I bluntly answered, "Yes." He stared at me for a few moments. I think he was trying to figure out why I answered that way. I'm sure, in those few minutes he actually wondered if I was having an affair. I smiled at him and nodded in his direction, and then in the direction of all the yard stuff that FILLED the back of our vehicle. We had just left Lowes to get the things he needed to finish our yard and garden that he had been working on for the past couple of days.

Relief washed over his face as he realized, "Oh yeah, I'm the gardener," he replied.

Lesson 111: being worried your wife is having an affair with your gardener, only to realize you are too poor to afford a gardener and YOU ARE the gardener = white trash

Man, how's he going to react when he hears I'm also sleeping with our plumber, electrician, in-house chef, mechanic, and handy-man?