September 30, 2010

Baby Toys

Stone has recently decided all his baby toys are subpar. When no toys appeased him I opted for other things, like the handle off of a broken bubble wand and an empty Coffemate creamer bottle that I cleaned out.

Lesson 91: garbage being your baby's favorite toys = white trash

September 20, 2010

Embrace the Crazy

What a day, what a day. It all started 45 minutes earlier than it should have with Stone wailing at the top of his lungs. I got him out of bed and told Jovie to lay back down, who in turn ripped off her diaper in protest. I didn't even have the energy to deal with that nonsense. I closed the door, and figured I'd be cleaning pee within the next half hour. Whatever.

I fed Stone, but he didn't want to nurse. All he wanted to do was stand on my lap, smile, and do a one-tooth grinning jig. It would have been cute at any other time of day, but at 6:20 in the morning, when the only thing cute is the back of my eyelids, I could have done without it.

As I got out of the shower I heard Jagger going down the stairs. I put on my clothes, got Jovie out of bed (who amazingly hadn't peed), and put Stone back in his crib. Now that I was awake, he wanted to sleep. Irony.

When I went downstairs I found Jagger sitting on the couch in a pair of underwear and his Mario ball cap, staring aimlessly at the tv screen. He looked up, "I don't feel so good, mom." I felt his head, and of course he had a fever. I thought maybe, just maybe, he wasn't going to catch what all the other kids have had. It's been almost 2 weeks since Jet came home sick, but here sat Jag all pathetic.

This wouldn't have been so bad had Adam not gone to Florida for a job interview. I had to pack all the kids up, not once, but three times today for school. First Jet had to go to kindergarden. There were no problems there, but when it came time to take Jude to school, all hell broke loose. Jagger cried because he didn't want to go to school. Jovie had become possessed by some demon and lost her shoe on the way to the car and I couldn't find it. Not to mention, Jude's class was celebrating Jude's birthday today in class so I had to take in these hideous Jell-o Jigglers I made. (I don't know if made or destroyed is the appropriate word here.)

Lesson 89: coming to terms with the fact you will be walking your child into school with a sick sibling with booger sliding out his nose, one covered in graham cracker in a backpack, and one without a shoe, and handing the teacher the most pathetic excuse for Jell-O = white trash

Thank you Kortney for being such a good friend! She saved me and stayed with the disaster children while I walked Jude into school with his sad birthday snack.

Anyway, after I had the two boys settled into school I waited for the roofers who are FINALLY going to finish my porch roofs. They were to get here at 10, but 10 came and went. At 11 my heart sank as I packed the kids up again to go pick Jude up.

On my way, my thoughts went out to Adam, who was in the middle of his tasting. Oh, how I hoped his day was better. Five seconds after this thought crossed my mind, I get a call from him. I answer.

"I'm almost ready to walk out of here," he said.

After he vented, I found out that no one had done anything for his tasting. There was no food, no knives, not even a place to cook! He ended up doing his tasting with a hand full of snow peas, a pepper, a couple pieces of meat, a boning knife, and a portable cook top. It was like trying to cook a gourmet meal at a camp site. At least he finished and proved he could work under pressure!!

When I got home I figured I'd offer up my day. No use stressing about ridiculous things. As I recounted all the good things about my day I heard a truck pull up. The roofers!! I quickly ran down and moved my cars out of the driveway.

As I walked down from the top of the hill, one of the roofers was hunched over. "I think I got car sick," he told me. They scraped off the old shingles and then the guy started puking all over my front yard. Awesome.

"I'm gonna take him home," the other guy told me.

Yes please!!

I looked like an idiot when they left.

Lesson 90: spraying your grass with Lysol = white trash

The day of nonsense continued, but whatever. Like I always say, embrace the crazy. I was going to eat a tub of Ben and Jerry's, put myself into an ice cream coma, and pass out, but I came upstairs to find poop in the little toilet that Jude hasn't used in over a week. Just one more fun prize for my day.

September 16, 2010

Carbon Monoxide Poisoning

This afternoon I walked downstairs and smelt something weird. I immediately called Adam. The conversation went something like this....

Jess: I smell Raid.

Adam: Raid?

Jess: Yeah, you know how Raid smells?

Adam: Did the kids get into something. (Here I rolled my eyes, like I would call him if the kids got into something.)

Jess: No. It's really strong in the basement.

Adam: Are you tired or have a headache?

Jess: *cricket*.....*cricket*.....*tumbleweed*

Adam: Oh...yeah....I guess that's a stupid question.

Lesson 88: Not knowing if you're suffering from gas poisoning because your kids give you the same symptoms = white trash

September 15, 2010

Trash Bath

One house rule for my kids - Everyone bathes before bed. There are many reasons for this rule.

1. I'm a germaphobe
2. Kids are gross
3. I'm a germaphobe
4. I have mostly boys and they have a funky natural stench
5. I thought it would be good for Jagger when he grows up and lives on his own (hopefully), it would be routine and I won't have to worry if he's cleaning himself.

Anyway, last night I was cleaning the tub to get it ready for the older kids. Stone sat in his baby seat next to me, not feeling well. He has a cold and it has made him very irritable. In a split second I changed my mind and decided to clean Stone first and put him to bed early. I didn't want to listen to him scream while the older kids splashed in the tub.

I grabbed the baby tub that rested on top of the open laundry hamper, threw it in the big tub, and filled it with water. I grabbed Stone and undressed him. He immediately calmed down. He loves the bath. I placed him in the water and he splashed merrily while he babbled, probably saying, "it took you long enough, lady." Since he was happy I thought I would pull the humidifier out from under the sink and get it ready for him and Jovie.

When I finished with the humidifier, I knelt down and began Stone's scrubbing. I hurried through our normal routine, washing head to toe, knowing Jovie needed to go to bed early too and still needed a bath.

Reaching his legs, I picked one up to wash his feet and jumped in fright. Under his bum was a big black mass. "Did you poop in the tub?" A big smile was all I got in return. Thinking about it for a second I realized black wasn't a normal color. I bravely reached into the tub and grabbed the mysterious black blob.

Lesson 87: Washing your baby with one of your husband's nasty dirty socks = white trash