January 25, 2012

Jovie's Mess

When we potty train our kids we keep a kiddie toilet in the living room. It just helps until they are more sure of themselves.

I know, I know....

Lesson 141: toilet in the living room = white trash

Jovie has finally become a potty-pro, and we gladly put the toilet back upstairs. (Until it's Stone's turn.) Now, in the bathroom, there is a big toilet with a little potty next to it. Then, there is also a training potty in Jovie's room, in case she needs it in the night.

Today, Jovie called to me from upstairs, "Mom, I pooped!" When I got there, I realized she isn't exactly the pro I thought she was. There was a little bit in the big potty, and some in the kid pot. "Jovie!" I yelled, as I answered my ringing phone. It was Adam's business partner. She needed to talk to me about the books for the restaurant.

As I talked to Lisa, Jovie yelled, "Don't forget this one Mom." Trying to give Lisa as much attention as I could, I went to see what my lovely daughter was talking about. When I got to her room, I found she had also made a deposit in that toilet.

"Well, I'll let you go," Lisa said. She could probably tell I wasn't able to talk about the books at that moment.

"Thanks. I have to clean Jovie's mess."

"What did she do now?"

"Pooped in three different toilets," I sighed.

Lisa laughed, "Wow. That girl needs to get her s*** together. Literally!"

January 18, 2012

Aha! The Truth Comes Out.

I gained more weight with the twins than I normally do with a pregnancy, which isn't surprisng, but after they were born I've heard nothing but good things about the way I look. "You don't look like you've even had a baby, let alone 8," or, "If I looked that good after giving birth to twins, then I'd have some babies," etc.

These comments make me feel good, but I see what my body actually looks like. I do own a mirror people! Not to mention, I went to buy jeans the other day and I bought a size I'd rather not discuss.

Well, the jig is up! If you ever want to know the truth, ask an 8 year old with autism. Jagger doesn't have the capacity to tell flattering white lies. So, when he burst into the bathroom, when I was changing into my jammie pants, and said, "Ew," I knew I was finally going to know the truth.

"What do you mean ew?" I gave him the stink eye.

He looked at my bottom half with disgust, "What happened to you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked again.

He walked over and grabbed a handful of thigh fat, giving it a jiggle, "Uh, well, you got kinda big."

*sigh* "Jagger, don't tell women they're fat, it'll make them cry." He just shrugged and scampered away. I guess the sight of me scared whatever it was he wanted to ask me when he barged in.

Lesson 140: son jiggling unflattering leg fat and letting you know you've let yourself go = a flabby-butt white trash mom who desperately needs to go to the gym

January 9, 2012

Stone's First Joke

I love when my kids get old enough to have a sense of humor. God and laughter is what keeps this family going.

Jovie has been telling jokes for a while now, always knock-knock jokes, and they always end with some sort of potato hybrid. You know those kind of jokes...."Who's there?"...."Potato-banana with peanut butter!"

On Friday, I took Jovie, Stone, and the twins to pick up Marky. On the way back, Jovie decided to head up her own little comedy tour. She sat in the back for about a half an hour telling a new line of jokes. The punch line came immediately after the "Who's there". Can you detect a theme?

Jovie: "Knock-knock."
Me: "Who's there?"
Jovie: "Poopy diaper!" (laughter)

Jovie: "Knock-knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
Jovie: "Mommy has a poop face!" (hysterical laughter)

After several of those jokes, I hear Stone's little deep voice chant, "Mom....Mom.....Mom." Just so you know, Stone isn't a man of many words. He's had speech therapy for months, because he doesn't feel the need to speak. So, I wanted to make a point to let him know that what he had to say was important.

Stone: "Mom.....Mom...."
Me: "Yes Stone?"
Stone:........"POOP!" (proud laughter)
Me: *sigh* "Good one Stone."

Lesson 139: the whole content of your child's first joke being nothing more than the word POOP = white trash

January 5, 2012

Dirty Work

Tonight, as I got the twins ready for bed, I could tell Rex was brewing something. He kept crying and pulling his legs up, a tell-tale sign of gas. As they both ate their nightime snack, I could tell the time was close. Rex bore down, grunted, and poop shot out......of Fox's butt.

Uh. I've heard that twins have close connections, but that was just plain bizarre.

Lesson 138: making your twin do your "dirty work" = white trash