April 17, 2012

Leather Couch

Yeah, my couch is disgusting. Completely disgusting. It used to be a nice soft fabric, but now the fuzziness has turned into a bizarre smooth surface.

The other day, Marky sat rubbing his hands across it (which made me want to vomit), "Hey, I didn't know our couch was leather."

Adam looked at me and we both started to laugh. Marky looked up puzzled, "What's so funny?"

"It's not leather," I told him.

"Well, it feels like it."

"It's from years of cereal and juice being smashed into it," Adam told him.

"That's gross." Marky jumped off the couch and ran away.

Yes, yes it is. He thought juice and cereal was gross, Adam didn't tell him anything about the occasional pee!

Lesson 149: your couch turning to leather after tanning it with juice and crushed cereal = white trash

April 5, 2012

Mirror Mirror

Tonight, as the older boys got ready for bed, Jet came up to me and asked, "Why did God make us so we can't see our own faces?"

I tousled Jet's hair and said, "Huh..I don't know." Which is how I answer most of Jet's deeply thought out questions.

Lesson 148: knowing your 7 year old is probably smarter than you = white trash

After they were in bed and fast asleep, the twins woke up and wanted fed. As they ate, I ogled them, as I often do, amazed that I produced two human beings at the same time. Jet's question crossed my mind, because I thought how the twins would be able to look at each other and get a good idea of what they looked like. "Good thing the rest of us have mirrors," I thought to myself. Then I stopped. Is it? I thought of all the hours of my life I have wasted standing in front of those stupid things cringing at zits, looking at gray hairs, obsessing over my laugh lines that never go away now, or watching myself dance to MC Hammer......ok, well that was pretty awesome, but the other stuff is just plain sad.

That's when it hit me. Jet was on to something. (Like always) God doesn't care what we look like. He made us this way because we shouldn't care either. I then thought about all the times I've shrunk away from who I really am because the other person looked so incredibly young and vibrant, my Crypt-keeping face made me feel inferior. I should always be everything God wants me to be, but I shy away because of what I saw in a man-made object produced for vanity. How pathetic.

After I put the twins back in bed, I walked into the bathroom. It was the end to a very trying day, but I had come out victorious. I looked up and glanced at my reflection in the mirror. Damp stringy hair, a make-up-less face, yoga pants, and an unbecoming oversized t-shirt stared back from baggy eyes. Not the appearance of a great warrior princess, but that's what I felt like on the inside, and I'm sure that's the way God wants me to think I look. I smiled at the hag in the mirror and walked away....warrior princess it is! :)

April 1, 2012

Jude's Joke

In honor of April Fools Day today, I'm going to tell you this lovely story. Every week on Jude's kindergarten calendar there is a space for the theme of show and tell. Being overwhelmed with my overall state of life, I often forget to check it. They have a full week to participate in show and tell, and poor Jude has probably only participated in 3/4 of them.

On Tuesday, I remembered to look at the calendar. I knew Jude had to do snack sometime at the end of the month, and I was happy to see I hadn't missed it. While I was looking, I checked the show and tell box. Joke week.

I looked up at Jude, who was jumping on the couch with a big smile on his face, "Hey buddy, we need to learn a joke for school."

Jude immediately stopped jumping and shamefully looked at the floor. Noooooooo! It made me almost sick to ask, "Jude, did you already tell a joke?" No response. Desperately I demanded, "Jude, did you tell a joke?" He oozed off the couch and climbed into my lap, making me hold him. Now, this is Jude we're talking about here. The boy doesn't snuggle, so I knew the answer. Now I just needed to know the details.

"What joke did you tell?" Nothing. Adam asked him the same question, and still no response. I took a deep breath, and pulled him back so I could look him in the eye. "Alright, tell me this. Did you get in a little bit of trouble, or a lot of trouble?"

"A little bit of trouble," he mumbled.

I let him snuggle back into me, and I said to Adam, "It probably had something to do with poop."

A couple days later, I returned from the grocery store to see Jude's teacher (who lives across the street) getting out of her car. I called over, "So, what was the inappropriate joke Jude told for show and tell?" A chuckle escaped her lips, "Oh, you mean the joke Adam taught him?"

I laughed, "I assure you, Adam didn't teach him whatever it was he said." I told her the story about how I have become a mediocre mother and didn't realize it was joke week until it was too late. Then I informed her of Jude's response, or lack there of, when I asked what he had said.

She told me, "On Monday," (Hearing this made me cringe. Jude was so stoked to tell this mystery joke he was one of the first one's to share.) "I asked if anyone had a joke they'd like to tell. Jude raised his hand, so he came up and got on the platform. "Knock-knock." We excitedly answered, "Who's there!" "Noodle-head!" "Noodle-head who?" "Noodle-head WEINER!""

"NOOOOO! He told a weiner joke?!" I was mortified.

She nodded. Then, she told me she called him over and said, "Now Jude, that joke was not appropriate and I know Daddy didn't teach it to you. Where did you learn that joke?"

Jude replied, "Mommy."

Lesson 147: allegedly teaching your kid a weiner joke to share with his kindergarten class = white trash

Happy April Fools Day everyone!