March 16, 2010

Going Outside

The sun is out and the million inches of snow have melted. You know what that means? I get to sit on my front porch!

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love to rock in my Amish rocking chair and bask in the sunlight on my front porch. In the summer I spend most of my time after the kids have gone to bed enjoying the beautiful hillside full of trees on the opposite side of the Ohio River. The river itself is brown and disgusting. I'm glad neighboring houses block that view. I rock away while praying or enjoying the occasional neighbors company. (When I say occasional neighbors, I mean Jackie. She's the only one who doesn't mind being seen with us!)

Today was not only sunny, but also quite warm. My kids have had an extreme case of cabin fever after being stuck in the house for four excruciating months, so the prospect of going out into the fresh air lifted their spirits. My kids are quite simple and were totally stoked they got to trade in their bulky winter coats for hoodies. I, on the other hand, am just as simple, and couldn't wait to reunite my big butt with its most favorite seat.

Giddily, we made our way outside. Now, I have to tell you, we never use our front door in the winter. It's just easier to go out the back door, which is closer to where our cars are parked, avoiding the bitter winter wind. Plus my front door gets stuck in cold weather making it impossible to open unless you know the secret trick; but the door opened easily today.

I stepped outside as the kids barreled out the door like a clown car vomiting clowns. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of fresh air.........choke, choke........fresh air? I opened my lids and scanned my porch. I expected a certain amount of disarray after a harsh season of neglect, but what I saw caused much confusion.

We have not had a pet in the house since Jasper died. I don't need anything else pooping, peeing, or vomiting on my floors, my kids are enough. Seriously! When I walked out on my porch, my favorite spot in the world, I found a pile of regurgitated hairball, a nice plop of feces on my front step, and the whole front of the house had a lovely cat pee smell.

Grrrrrrrrr........Now, I don't hate animals. I love dogs and most cats. Jackie's cat, Cheddar, is the best cat ever! He makes sure both Jackie's house and our house are mice free. He's an outside cat (most of the time), but he is clean and taken care of.

I do, however, have a problem with the nasty inbred cats that roam around the neighborhood. There are a million of them, and they all look the same. All five gagillion of them are thin with scraggly gray fur, looking as if they just crawled out of Pet Cemetery. They're creepy! And they're deficating on my stairs and spraying my house with their strong smelling urine!

Lesson 50: my house being the neighborhood cat toilet = white trash
Needless to say, my butt had to just look longingly at my Amish rocker while I cleaned my front porch. Don't worry butt, there's always tomorrow!

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