December 23, 2009

Christmas Family Photos

Ah, the family photo. A beautiful moment of time captured on a glossy 8x10. For most people family pictures are treasures, where everyone is dressed in their best and their beautiful pearly whites dazzle the shot.

Eh, not so much in my family. We keep the torture to a minimum and only do family pictures once a year. We do them at Christmas and we take them at home. There is no need to drag poor innocent bystanders into our craziness. We’ve tried on a couple of occasions to have individual pictures taken of our kids and we never left without a frustrated photographer or some weird pose that I compromised on to get a certain kid to take a somewhat normal picture. (I have a professional photo of Marky on the wall wearing a scuba mask and snorkel. His ears are bent down and the goggle part is completely fogged over, but he wouldn’t stop being difficult without knowing scuba gear picture was in his future.)

Lesson 40: professional photos of your children wearing dollar store scuba gear = white trash

We don’t feel guilty, however, asking our family and close friends to suffer through the nonsense. They know us; it’s not really a shock when my children act up when asked to pose for a picture. They have strict orders to just stand there and snap away no matter what is going on. That way, after about 20-some shots maybe, just maybe, we’ll have something we can use.

We’ve never achieved that “family photo”. It’s like a unicorn that I just can’t touch, or that lottery ticket that’s always off by two numbers, or that pregnancy test that always reads positive right when Adam gets promoted. You always have these grand ideas but reality is no where near what’s in your head.

Sure, I’ll admit it. I envision that beautiful picture where my kids are all smiling and wearing clothes that match. My boys wearing ties and my daughter in a frilly dress with bows in her hair, while Adam and I look put together and respectable all cuddled together with our well behaved children.


No, our pictures are nothing like my visions. They are in fact, quite the opposite. They usually resemble some sort of out of control nightmare. We never attempted a family pic until Jet was born, but these are the results.

2005: Jagger was throwing such a tantrum about a Mario and Luigi doll that the only way we could get him to stay put was for Adam to hold him. In the photo that was “the best one” Adam is holding a screaming red-faced Jagger upside down. “Merry Christmas!”

2006: Big surprise, Jagger is crying again. Bonus….Jet is crying as well,and Marky is giving psycho Jagger rabbit ears. Awesome. “Happy Holidays!”

2007: Adam had to work early, so I took a picture of the boys. I had morning sickness and could seriously care less about how it turned out. Oddly enough, it’s probably the best photo I have of my boys.

2008: Marky was in a REAL bad mood. He refused to even take down the hood of his sweatshirt. It wasn’t just over his head, oh no, he had pulled it completely over his face. He sat there blindly holding a screaming Jovie. My beautiful baby girl, remember the one in the frilly dress and bows? Nope, red-faced and hating life.

2009: I finally gave up on the dream. If you can’t beat em’, join em’. This year we took a crazy picture on purpose and in addition to the Christmas card we gave out some of Adam’s delicious home-made spiced nuts to go with them. “Merry Christmas! From The Nut House” (Yes that is Marky's butt!Don't ask)

Lesson 41: Christmas family photos that are always a hideous train wreck featuring screaming kids or their rear ends = white trash

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