The Last Month of Pregnancy

“Ugh.” ……..this utterance escapes my lips every few minutes it seems. It comes out when I stand, sit, lay down, roll over, crawl, walk (or waddle is more like it), walk up stairs, pick up laundry baskets, bend over, wipe after I pee, or even think about doing any of these things.

I strongly dislike the last month of pregnancy. As I uncomfortably sit here, my mind drifts to the last months of all my past pregnancies. *sigh* The thought makes my aches and pains intensify and now I need a nap. The last month is always the worst. Yes, the first three are rough when you feel like a poop sandwich and want to hurl every five minutes, but at least you can move.

During the last month my back hurts, I can’t sleep because I’m uncomfortable sleeping on my side and have to pee every hour, and my kids are always at their worst at this stage because I have absolutely no motivation to discipline. Time outs are rare since I have the stamina of a morbidly obese person. Waddling up the stairs takes me forever and leaves me breathless. The kids have all figured this out, and if they do something bad enough for me to get up they make a break for their upstairs bedrooms in hopes that 1.) I go into cardiac arrest on my way up, 2.) I’ll stumble and roll back down, or 3.) by the time I reach the top I really have to pee if I haven’t already peed my pants (which is usually what happens). It is funny to see their faces after I lose the 25-30lbs of baby fat and have the energy to chase them for the first time. Their eyes widen as if to say, “Oh crap!” as they give up and accept their punishment.

Another reason I can’t stand the last month is that my house is always a mess. I leave most of the toy pick up to my kids who do in fact make 95% of the mess, and bending over is a cruel, cruel joke. Their idea of clean and mine are completely different.

I also feel horribly unattractive. By the last month the cuteness of pregnancy is gone. My belly begins to stick out of my maternity shirts and my butt has reached Sir Mix-A-Lot proportions. Plus, since my belly is so big it makes it near impossible to shave my legs. I shaved a couple of days ago and it seriously took me 45 minutes. I kept having contractions making my stomach the consistency of a boulder, and when it’s like that there’s no getting around it. By the end, I was out of breath, I pulled a muscle in my back, and was showering in what felt like ice pellets. Not worth it!!

Don’t even get me started on the indigestion! At this point milk and bland toast has the ability to make acid creep up into the back of my throat. Yummy!

And the kicking! Oh the kicking. The cute little flutters that fill your belly for months turn into vindictive blows to your organs. My babies are so strong by this point they lay around and totally own my gallbladder all day long. It’s quite annoying not having any control over what’s going on within my own body.

Two more weeks……two more weeks…….two more weeks. This is my mantra today. *sigh* Yes, two more weeks until a day of excruciating pain and then months of still no sleep! Hmmmm…….It’s strange to me that despite all this nonsense I have absolutely not qualms about doing it all over again! I should get my brain checked.