June 25, 2010

Letters of Complaint

Dear Washing Machine Draining Hose,

Please stay in the wash tub. Stop getting crazy and spewing water all over the place. This is the second time you've flooded my basement this week.

Dear Stone's Dresser,

Please remove yourself from the middle of my kitchen, and would you please take the pile of tools with you!

Dear Jude,

Please learn how to wipe your own bum. Wouldn't you like to have a birthday too?

Dear Stone,

Please learn to amuse yourself. I'm running out of material!

Dear Brain,

I'm sorry I abused you. I'm sorry I neglected you and subjected you to horrible visions of child feces and big purple dinosaurs. Can we please get back to the way we were when I knew my name and the day of the week?

Dear Mangy Disgusting Stray Cats,
Will you please stop peeing on all my belongings in my garage? The broken windows on my garage door, from a 1 year old with a baseball bat, and a brother-in-law with a horrible arm for throwing snowballs, are NOT cat doors.

Dear Pittsburgh Area Contractors,
Stop trying to rip off a charity that is trying to help us get our roof finished. Shame on you! Are there no decent people left in this area?!

Dear Adam,
Don't go and get a new career. You'd be doing the culinary world a great injustice if you leave it to be an insurance salesman. I know you're tired and you miss us, but we'll always be here when you get home. We love you and want you to use the wonderful gift God gave you. You don't just make food, you create art. :)

Dear Laundry,
Do you think you could fold yourself for once?

Dear Life,

...........................................aw, forget it.

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