Hearts

"I can't find a heartbeat." After trying for over five minutes, my doctor had finally thrown in the towel. Being equally awkward at hard moments as I, he tried to joke with me, "It's probably because you're uterus is HUGE!"

As usual, I combat the dying feeling inside with humor, "Are you saying my uterus is beat?"

"You said it," he smiled. Probably relieved I wasn't in a ball crying.

"You were thinking it."

"Maybe." He once told me I crossed his mind as he sewed a 90 year old woman's uterus back up inside her.

Lesson 160: your gyno thinking, "Hey, this is going to be Jess someday" while performing surgery on an elderly woman who's uterus has fallen out = white trash

Of course, why wouldn't he? I call or walk into the gyno office, and every staff member knows me by name without looking at my chart.

Lesson 161: being the equivalent to Norm on Cheers at the gyno office = white trash

Despite my calm behavior in the office, my hands were shaking as I called to schedule my sonogram. I did this, I thought to myself, It's all my fault. The guilt made my stomach churn.

Not that I have been doing drugs, or on some drinking binge, it was worse than that....I was ashamed of my pregnancy. When Adam and I found out we would be welcoming a ninth child, we decided to keep it a secret. I can't tell you how horrible it feels when you see the judgement in people's eyes, hear it in their voice, or in some cases, their harsh words. People can be cruel.

After learning I would have to wait four excruciating days to find out the fate of our unborn baby, I drove home in deep thought. What had I done? Adam and I had worked so hard to be open to Gods plans for us, and we know God's plans are rarely easy. In fact, they usually challenge us to the core, but always changing us for the better. Not only had I been telling God, by my actions, that I was ashamed of his perfect plan, but I was unappreciative for the gift he was trying to give to me. How hurt he must have felt by the way I was hiding.

How would I feel if I gave someone a gift, that I put a lot of thought into, and that person took it and hid it somewhere so no one would see it? Can you imagine the complex thought and time he put into my baby?

When I got home, I could hear the twins had just woken up from their nap. I went in to get them, and after noting how beautifully perfect they were, I began to cry. I thought about how proud I was of all my children, and that I shouldn't feel any different about the one who had been growing inside of me.

Yesterday was my sonogram. I was alone. Happy for this fact, I wanted to be able to mourn without trying to be funny.

"Have you had any cramping or bleeding?" the sonogram tech asked.

"No."

"Well, let's have a look and see if we can find a heartbeat."

She placed the wand on my stomach, my heart beat ferociously. I wondered if my own heart could beat enough for the both of us. The picture came through and there lay my baby. I held my breath and then the most beautiful little hand popped up and waved at us. Tears came to my eyes. I've never appreciated a wave more. Even the tech got a little emotional and said, "Awe....it's like your baby is saying "look mom, I'm still here.""

After the tech left, I lay waiting for a doctor who was learning to read sonograms to come have a look too. I stared at the pictures of my new baby. They even got a pic of the him/her waving, since he/she really seemed to have a thing for it. In the stillness of that moment, I thanked God with a grateful heart for His perfect plans, and His gift of my baby's beautiful beating heart.

Putting Away Groceries

I hate putting away groceries. Not only does it take me a good half hour, but I have to fight off kids who want to sample every new thing that comes into this house. Unfortunately, for most snacks, if they all sample something, it is gone.

Lesson 156: Having more kids than servings of fruit snacks in a box of Gushers = white trash

This morning, when I came home from the 5 million grocery stores I go to to ensure I get the best deals, and save the most money, I was happy to see all my kids were already having their mid-morning snack. I walked in and said, "You're eating a snack, don't ask for any of this food." I thought putting away groceries was going to be a breeze for once.

I started with the cold food that needed to be put in the fridge and freezer. When I opened the fridge I noticed a lot of things in there that needed to come out. Jude has a bad habit of putting his cups in there to keep his drinks cold, but when they're empty he just leaves them in there. I removed 3 cups. Stone also likes to hide toys in the fridge. Don't ask me why. I removed a tea party plate, Spider-man, a toy medicine cup, and a puppy.

Lesson 157: fridge being full of toys and empty dirty dishes = white trash

After those things were gone, I saw some expired food that needed to be thrown away. I went over to the garbage door. (We keep our garbage hidden behind a door, under our island.) I opened the door and garbage exploded all over me. I'm talking wrappers, cheese, orange peels, and coffee grounds all over my feet and floor. I sighed, took out the garbage, and cleaned the floor. I grabbed a garbage bag and went back to the fridge.

As soon as I opened the door I heard Stone say, "Ew....gross." I looked behind me. Stone stood on Jet's guitar amplifier with poop falling out of his diaper. Stupid cheap diapers. My head about exploded. I closed the fridge, cleaned Stone, the floor, and scrubbed Jet's amplifier. (Of course it had to get in all the little nook and crannies!)

When that was taken care of, I cautiously opened the fridge, and actually got things put away. Happy with my accomplishment, I picked up the empty bags and tried to stand up. That's when my butt got caught on the fridge door, ripping the piece that holds all the items on the door in place. Condiments fell at my feet, and the pickle jar lid popped off on impact, dousing me and the floor in pickle juice.

Lesson 158: breaking the fridge with your butt = white trash

I cleaned the floor for the third time in 20 minutes, put away the dry goods, and picked up the Aldi bags to put them away, and be done with the whole ridiculous ordeal. We keep the bags above the stairs going down to the basement. I tried to put them away, but for some reason they wouldn't stay in their place today. Totally frustrated, I smashed them into the shelf. I really need to control my temper, all that angry shoving launched a Halloween bucket full of cassette tapes in my face. I yelled, "It's 2012! Who the heck has a pumpkin bucket full of tapes?!"

Lesson 159: hoarding a Halloween bucket full of cassette tapes from the 90's and not owning a cassette player = white trash

I picked up the tapes and decided to put my bags somewhere else. The new place ended with a box of plastic spoons falling on my head. I left the bags, and put the spoons on the counter. I'll deal with them later. I had reached my ceiling.

Maybe kids sampling food isn't so bad after all.