Hearts

"I can't find a heartbeat." After trying for over five minutes, my doctor had finally thrown in the towel. Being equally awkward at hard moments as I, he tried to joke with me, "It's probably because you're uterus is HUGE!"

As usual, I combat the dying feeling inside with humor, "Are you saying my uterus is beat?"

"You said it," he smiled. Probably relieved I wasn't in a ball crying.

"You were thinking it."

"Maybe." He once told me I crossed his mind as he sewed a 90 year old woman's uterus back up inside her.

Lesson 160: your gyno thinking, "Hey, this is going to be Jess someday" while performing surgery on an elderly woman who's uterus has fallen out = white trash

Of course, why wouldn't he? I call or walk into the gyno office, and every staff member knows me by name without looking at my chart.

Lesson 161: being the equivalent to Norm on Cheers at the gyno office = white trash

Despite my calm behavior in the office, my hands were shaking as I called to schedule my sonogram. I did this, I thought to myself, It's all my fault. The guilt made my stomach churn.

Not that I have been doing drugs, or on some drinking binge, it was worse than that....I was ashamed of my pregnancy. When Adam and I found out we would be welcoming a ninth child, we decided to keep it a secret. I can't tell you how horrible it feels when you see the judgement in people's eyes, hear it in their voice, or in some cases, their harsh words. People can be cruel.

After learning I would have to wait four excruciating days to find out the fate of our unborn baby, I drove home in deep thought. What had I done? Adam and I had worked so hard to be open to Gods plans for us, and we know God's plans are rarely easy. In fact, they usually challenge us to the core, but always changing us for the better. Not only had I been telling God, by my actions, that I was ashamed of his perfect plan, but I was unappreciative for the gift he was trying to give to me. How hurt he must have felt by the way I was hiding.

How would I feel if I gave someone a gift, that I put a lot of thought into, and that person took it and hid it somewhere so no one would see it? Can you imagine the complex thought and time he put into my baby?

When I got home, I could hear the twins had just woken up from their nap. I went in to get them, and after noting how beautifully perfect they were, I began to cry. I thought about how proud I was of all my children, and that I shouldn't feel any different about the one who had been growing inside of me.

Yesterday was my sonogram. I was alone. Happy for this fact, I wanted to be able to mourn without trying to be funny.

"Have you had any cramping or bleeding?" the sonogram tech asked.

"No."

"Well, let's have a look and see if we can find a heartbeat."

She placed the wand on my stomach, my heart beat ferociously. I wondered if my own heart could beat enough for the both of us. The picture came through and there lay my baby. I held my breath and then the most beautiful little hand popped up and waved at us. Tears came to my eyes. I've never appreciated a wave more. Even the tech got a little emotional and said, "Awe....it's like your baby is saying "look mom, I'm still here.""

After the tech left, I lay waiting for a doctor who was learning to read sonograms to come have a look too. I stared at the pictures of my new baby. They even got a pic of the him/her waving, since he/she really seemed to have a thing for it. In the stillness of that moment, I thanked God with a grateful heart for His perfect plans, and His gift of my baby's beautiful beating heart.