April 20, 2015


I've been pregnant before. A lot. I've had twins, been a week overdue, and had gallbladder and sciatic problems during pregnancy, but this time, by far, is the most uncomfortable I have ever felt. There are several reasons for my discomfort.

One, I believe, is my age. Not that I'm old, but I had my first baby when I was an agile, muscular 19 year old. This time, I still hadn't lost all the baby fat from babies #2-9, and the most exercise I saw in a day was carrying laundry basket, after laundry basket, upstairs. When I complain about my discomfort to my doctor, he constantly reminds me I'm not a "spring chicken" anymore. I guess I've become more of a fall turkey, complete with stuffing.

Another reason I may be uncomfortable, is my clothing. I only have one pair of maternity pants. I'm not the kind of person to wear the same pants for a week without washing them. I just can't do it. So, the rest of the time, I cram myself into my normal pants, that are way too tight. Luckily, they are low-rise and can be fastened below my belly...tightly...pressing firmly on my cesarean scar. Unlucky for everyone else, they are low-rise and my butt, that has reached planet size proportions, does not fully fit in the back of my pants. I have an ample supply of not-embarrassing-at-all butt fat and plumbers crack spilling over the top, and sausage is made in a more attractive manner than me dressing myself in the morning. I wish my maternity shirts still fit, but alas, they don't. I started wearing Adam's shirts, because they are longer. He asked me the other day if I could hurry up and have this baby so I would stop stretching them out. (You can tell this is our 10th baby. Pregnancy holds no magic.)

The last reason, I am carrying extremely low. I feel as if this baby could fall out at any second. My normal gait is now a waddle, but I feel like I should be walking around on my tiptoes, like I just dismounted a horse and am about to poop myself. Needless to say, bending over is not my friend. Fate is a cruel mistress, seeing as children and the messes that go with them are all on the ground. Why can't kids throw more tantrums on top of counters or tables? Why must they throw themselves down on the floor? Why can't they leave toys on high ledges or desks? Why do they have to scatter toys on the carpet?

It wouldn't be so bad if this low-slung pregnancy didn't make me pee myself. Seriously. I sneezed last Tuesday and peed my pants. (Of course, it had to be my maternity pants.)

Lesson 190: Peeing your pants at age 35 = white trash 

I can't even pick up at the end of the night without multiple pee breaks. I average about 1 pee per every 3 bends/squats. Adam constantly tells me to just let the mess go. The sad part is, I have been letting a lot of things go. I even have my kids helping me with my chores. They do things for me on top of their own chores, and things still aren't getting done. I'm very frustrated, but my frustration pales in comparison to my sense of discomfort. SOMEONE SEND A MAID!

At this point, I'm praying for an extraordinary nesting period. I usually know when labor is imminent, because I get an uncontrollable urge to clean my fridge.

Lesson 191: cleaning the fridge = having a baby 

In this upcoming nesting period, I'm praying that God gives me the uncontrollable urge to clean the fridge, scrub floors, dust, wash windows, take out the trash before it's overflowing, clean bedrooms, wash bed linens, clean out closets, sort through a mountain of toys and throw away broken items, remove fingerprints and crayon off walls, mow the grass, clean the garage, and if at all possible, remove dead leaves from the gutters. I'm also hoping, that during all this activity, I will only have to take 1,789.25 pee breaks. That would be awesome!

1 comment:

  1. You lose maternity clothes with every pregnancy! Come visit my closet, I'm bigger than you and you can have whatever you need! Love you daughter-in-law!