Labor and Delivery

Ah, labor, the final step before holding your baby in your arms instead of your womb. On the evening of February 4th I had a feeling that my water had broke. Then, to confirm this I began having contractions. I had contractions until 4 am when they pretty much stopped. Feeling very confused I called my doctor in the morning.

“Come on in.” he told me.

Adam and I packed our things (just in case) and headed to the doctor’s office located above the women’s hospital where I would eventually deliver.

We got to the office around 10:30 on February 5th, and were sent down to Labor and Delivery shortly after. They hooked me up to Pitocin around noon. I hate Pitocin. It’s the devil’s drug, making contractions ten times worse, and I’m lucky enough to have had Pitocin with every delivery. What a prize to be won!

Around the same time it had begun to snow. I’m just glad we got there before the storm that dumped feet of snow on Pittsburgh. Adam wasn’t so happy. He has always wanted to deliver one of the kids himself. He has grand visions of driving me to the hospital and then having to pull off on the side of the road, roll up his sleeves, and deliver his offspring like a pro……..Uh, no thank you. First off, I tell him, “You’re a chef, not a doctor. It’s not like taking a turkey out of the oven.” I can just see it. He’d take the baby out with a pair of tongs and put it lovingly in a pan of warm water. Scary. Second, I want an epidural. He’s cruel and unusual to wish extra pain on me just to have something to put on his resume. (Yes, he’s mentioned it.)

After getting my epidural, I laid on my side and watched huge white flakes fall from the sky. It was beautiful. It helped take my mind off the fact that my contractions weren’t strong or regular enough to have a baby any time soon. To add to my frustration Adam was restless. He’s never had to wait long in the hospital for a baby to be born. I usually get there and POW….done. This time was different and Adam didn’t know what to do with himself. He went through all the drawers, put on a stethoscope and listened to my heart beat and my stomach. He finally had enough and tried to lure the baby out with a trail of Skittles.

Lesson 47: Luring your child out of the womb with a trail of Skittles = white trash

Around 7pm all the nurses had left me and Adam decided he was going to go to the bathroom. I was all alone watching Jeopardy. I thought to myself, “This baby is never going to come out.” Right after the thought crossed my mind my body doubled over as it tried to push a baby out on its own. “Oh crap,” I thought to myself, “Button, where’s that emergency button?!” I looked up and spotted what I needed. I stretched my arm out but the darn thing was just out of reach. I will never make fun of those, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” commercials ever again. I looked to the door but no one was coming to save me. No Adam, no nurse. I was going to have a baby all by myself.

Then I heard it. The most beautiful sound, my nurse coming through the door, “Someone’s having a baby.” She sang out.

How did she know?

Adam returned from the bathroom, “Who’s having a baby?”

“Meeeee.” I grunted, not able to speak in my normal tone. I was trying so hard not to push that my voice sounded like a caveman learning to talk or Satan after suffering a stroke. I haven’t been able to decide which one is more accurate.

Within minutes, a flood of nurses were by my side. “We’ve paged your doctor, but we can’t find him. Don’t push.”

“Seeeeeriouslyyyyyy?!” the caveman asked.

Adam ran to my side and held my hand as I turned his bones to jelly. You think pushing is hard? Try keeping a baby in. Did you ever have to poop so bad that you’re walking on your tiptoes holding your butt cheeks together the whole way to the bathroom just to find out there is already someone on the pot taking their time, and you are reduced to breaking a sweat while dancing outside the bathroom door as you prairie-dog it? Imagine your feces is a 7lb 11oz child. A thousand times worse. Trust me.

Ten minutes passed and they still hadn’t found my doctor.

“I’m starting to worry. I don’t know if your doctor will make it. If the baby starts to come out I know what to do.” the doctor-in-training told me.

I looked over and saw Adam’s face light up. “Maybe I can talk her into letting me catch the baby.” he whispered.

“Staaaaaaayyyy awaaaaaay from meeeeeee!” Satan responded.

He ignored me. “Should I scrub up? Put on a gown?” he giddily asked. “Let’s do this thing!” he shouted.

I rolled over to face the onslaught of nurses. “Keeeeeeep him awaaaaaaay from meeeeeee!” It was definitely stroke Satan this time because I’m pretty sure there was fire in my eyes.

Adam’s hopes were dashed when seconds later, my doctor came into the room. He had been delivering another woman’s baby, whose doctor wasn’t able to make it in to the hospital because of the horrible weather.

“Ok Jess, give me a little push.” my doctor told me.

Hello? I’ve been holding this child in for over 15 minutes. I guess my 'little push' was a whole lot different than the 'little push' he meant. I gave one push and the entire medical faculty in the room yelled at once, “Whoa! Whoa! Stop. Stop.”
“No more pushing Jess. Just wait a minute.” my doctor said.

Ugh! I threw my head back on the pillow and looked up at the TV. I sighed and audibly solved the puzzle on Wheel of Fortune. My doctor looked up at me and then the TV and gave a little smirk.

Lesson 48: Being able to take time to solve a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune during the hardest part of labor = the sad truth that I’ve had one too many babies!

Stone was out seconds later, ready to face the world. He had dark hair, dark blue eyes that will most definitely be brown like mine, and despite the snow storm raging outside, he was born with a beautiful tan, compliments of either my dad’s or Adam’s dad’s genes. (Neither of us were lucky enough to get that nice skin, but half of our kids have it.)

Welcome to the world baby Stone! We’re so happy you’re here!

Hiatus

I'm taking a slight break from my blog to welcome home our newest member to the Johnston clan. Stone was born on Friday, February 5th.

I also want to say Happy 5th Birthday today to my son Jet!

Washing Machine

Lesson 46: catching your washing machine on fire after overloading it with towels = white trash

The Last Month of Pregnancy

“Ugh.” ……..this utterance escapes my lips every few minutes it seems. It comes out when I stand, sit, lay down, roll over, crawl, walk (or waddle is more like it), walk up stairs, pick up laundry baskets, bend over, wipe after I pee, or even think about doing any of these things.

I strongly dislike the last month of pregnancy. As I uncomfortably sit here, my mind drifts to the last months of all my past pregnancies. *sigh* The thought makes my aches and pains intensify and now I need a nap. The last month is always the worst. Yes, the first three are rough when you feel like a poop sandwich and want to hurl every five minutes, but at least you can move.

During the last month my back hurts, I can’t sleep because I’m uncomfortable sleeping on my side and have to pee every hour, and my kids are always at their worst at this stage because I have absolutely no motivation to discipline. Time outs are rare since I have the stamina of a morbidly obese person. Waddling up the stairs takes me forever and leaves me breathless. The kids have all figured this out, and if they do something bad enough for me to get up they make a break for their upstairs bedrooms in hopes that 1.) I go into cardiac arrest on my way up, 2.) I’ll stumble and roll back down, or 3.) by the time I reach the top I really have to pee if I haven’t already peed my pants (which is usually what happens). It is funny to see their faces after I lose the 25-30lbs of baby fat and have the energy to chase them for the first time. Their eyes widen as if to say, “Oh crap!” as they give up and accept their punishment.

Another reason I can’t stand the last month is that my house is always a mess. I leave most of the toy pick up to my kids who do in fact make 95% of the mess, and bending over is a cruel, cruel joke. Their idea of clean and mine are completely different.

I also feel horribly unattractive. By the last month the cuteness of pregnancy is gone. My belly begins to stick out of my maternity shirts and my butt has reached Sir Mix-A-Lot proportions. Plus, since my belly is so big it makes it near impossible to shave my legs. I shaved a couple of days ago and it seriously took me 45 minutes. I kept having contractions making my stomach the consistency of a boulder, and when it’s like that there’s no getting around it. By the end, I was out of breath, I pulled a muscle in my back, and was showering in what felt like ice pellets. Not worth it!!

Don’t even get me started on the indigestion! At this point milk and bland toast has the ability to make acid creep up into the back of my throat. Yummy!

And the kicking! Oh the kicking. The cute little flutters that fill your belly for months turn into vindictive blows to your organs. My babies are so strong by this point they lay around and totally own my gallbladder all day long. It’s quite annoying not having any control over what’s going on within my own body.

Two more weeks……two more weeks…….two more weeks. This is my mantra today. *sigh* Yes, two more weeks until a day of excruciating pain and then months of still no sleep! Hmmmm…….It’s strange to me that despite all this nonsense I have absolutely not qualms about doing it all over again! I should get my brain checked.

Adam's Car Gets an Upgrade

Since the guy that hit Adam doesn't exist we are responsible for the repairs. Adam needed to get the car inspected and his mechanic said he really didn't need a big side mirror because of the car's dimensions. This gave Adam a great idea.

Lesson 45: beat up car with a tiny motorcycle mirror bolted to the passenger side door = white trash

The car couldn't get any sexier!

Zhu Zhu Pets

The hot trend this past holiday season, the zhu zhu pet. I had absolutely no idea as I watched the commercials at the end of summer that these little fake pets would be the "it" thing.

The funny thing is that I didn't even buy any for Christmas. My quest for the elusive zhu zhu started in September. It happened to be the only thing Marky asked for his 10th birthday on October 8th, Mr. Squiggles and a zhu zhu ball for it to run around in. (He was too embarrassed to ask his dad for it, so he asked me.)

After we realized he wouldn't be returning to my house until after his birthday, since his party fell on my weekend, we decided to go and get what he wanted together. He didn't mind that he wasn't going to get to unwrap it.

Unfortunately, when we got to Toys R Us that Saturday morning in September they informed us that they didn't have any in stock. "Really?" I skeptically asked, wondering why there would be such a demand for a toy hamster.

"Come Wednesday morning......and be early!" the sales lady warned in a tone that let me know I was about to enter a strange world I wanted no part of.

When we got home I suggested that we look online to make Marky feel better. Sold out. Everywhere. Except for Ebay where they were selling these $9.99 pets for a minimum of $30! No way!

"I'll go on Wednesday morning." I promised my son who was slipping into a zhu zhu depression. He wouldn't have it before he went home but I swore I would get the stuff and mail it in time for Oct. 8th.

Wednesday morning came and Adam decided to come with me. We dropped Jet off at preschool at 9 and wasted the hour until Toys R Us opened at Target and McDonalds with Jude and Jovie. We arrived at the toy store at 9:50 thinking that would be early enough. We were wrong. A line of people came out the door.

"What the heck?" Adam asked, "this isn't a line for what Marky wants, is it?"

"Uh, I don't know."

More people were pulling in after us, so Adam suggested I go get in line while he loaded our two youngest into the stroller. When I got in line I recognized some of the mom's of Jet's classmates. They smiled.

"Are you here for a zhu zhu pet?" one mom asked.

"Yeah, my oldest son wants one for his birthday in October." I explained.

"Oh. We're Christmas shopping." they told me.

Now, I'm not one of those year round Christmas shoppers. Each one of my kids get three presents. That's it! So buying something too far in advance is no good. The things my kids are into change every other day. To avoid disappointment we wait until December. That way, what they are into will probably still be the same on December 25th.

My sights drifted up to the front of the line. There sat two ladies in lawn chairs with coffee. How long had they been waiting there? I was deeply disturbed. It was September for crying out loud! I thought this behavior only happened on Black Friday. (Which I avoid at all costs being a germ-a-phobe and all.)

Adam and the kids soon joined me. Adam looked around, "Is this a line for that thing Marky wants?" he asked in disbelief. I nodded. He let out a very loud sigh. "Oh man. I promised myself I would never be this parent!" I couldn't help but sympathize. "What is it exactly we're waiting for?" he asked.

"A zhu zhu pet and ball." I told him.

"Huh? A zoo pet? What the hell is a zoo pet?" I could tell the whole ordeal was getting to him. Adam is one of those "cool" guys. He's always reminded me of James Dean, Danny Zuko, or the Fonz. Can you seriously see any of those men waiting in line at Toys R Us for a zhu zhu pet?

"Not a zoo pet, a zhu zhu pet. It's a little mechanical hamster." Looking back, I should have left off the last part.

Adam's mouth dropped open as he stared at me for a good minute. "We're standing in this ridiculous line for a mechanical hamster?!" his voice breaking at the end. "A mechanical hamster?! Are you serious?!"

He waited for an answer but didn't get one. The doors had opened. I left Adam to suffer in his "uncool" torment. My attention went to the lawn chair ladies who had grabbed two carts and ran into the store. I could see the small display. Pets on the left, accessories to the right. Each lady grabbed four pets and then filled the rest of their carts with accessories. They didn't even seem like they cared about what they were getting. By the time their carts were full, there were hardly any accessories left, and there were still a bunch of people ahead of us.

"I'm not doing this." Adam stated as he pushed forward toward the non-zhu zhu pet door. "The kids and I are going to go look at real toys."

By the time I got to the display the accessories were long gone. There was a limit on the hamsters. You were only permitted to buy four at a time. The employees looked at me like I was some sort of nut when I walked up for my turn and only picked up Mr. Squiggles.

After getting only half of what I came for, I went to find my family. I found Adam walking past the lawn chair ladies who were on their cell phones.

"You make me sick!" Adam yelled as he scoweled at the women. They paused to look at him then ran away.

"What was that about?" I asked feeling embarrassed by my husband's behavior.

"You should have heard them!" he said, "They were boasting about taking almost everything."

We walked by them again at the check out. They stared at Adam like he were some maniac ready to cut them. Instead, he pointed and said entirely too loud, "Honey, ask them what their ebay name is so we can get one of those balls for three times it's worth....plus shipping!"

I was slightly mortified by Adam's outbursts, but I didn't feel so bad when week after week the same ladies cleaned out the accessories making it impossible for us to get that darn ball.

Lesson 43: exploiting poor parents via ebay = white trash

Marky was very forgiving when I sent a pet with no hamster ball. I told him we would eventually get one, and he was alright with that. Little did I know we wouldn't be able to get one until Thanksgiving weekend!

It just so happened, that a chef that Adam worked with called him and told him that her mom worked at Hallmark and they had gotten a large shipment of just zhu zhu balls, and she wanted to know if Adam was still looking for one. So, not only did we finally get a ball, but we also got the chef's mom's discount. Suck it lawn chair ladies!!

After the whole ordeal, Adam and I never wanted to see another dang zhu zhu pet as long as we lived. We didn't think we had anything to worry about since the other kids thought Squiggles was cool but never asked for one of their own.

It is now January. The kids are back in school, Christmas is over. All I have to say is "Darn you show-and-tell!"

To my horror, Jet came home from pre-school this week after "bring a Christmas present" show-and-tell day. He got in the van and stated, "I need a zhu zhu pet for my birthday." (Which is in February.)

"We'll see." I responded, trying to quickly dispel the thought from my mind, but there was no escaping it. The whole way home I got a detailed account of all the zhu zhu pets, and zhu zhu balls, and zhu zhu cars, etc that his classmates had brought in. It was like he was the only one without them. Curse you peer pressure!

When we got home, Adam had to take a quick trip to work to do the ordering and he let Jet tag along. A few minutes after their departure I called Adam, "Hey, ask Jet what he wants for his birthday."

"What do you want for your birthday buddy?" I heard him ask. After a few moments of silence Adam quietly said, "I hate you", under his breath so Jet wouldn't hear.

I chuckled as I hung up the phone.

Lesson 44: ample amounts of stress and anxiety because of a mechanical hamster = white trash

Oh, the things we do for our children. ;)

Booger Eye

Yet again, the Mother of the Year Award eludes me. I try so hard to be June Cleaver, but always end up like Peg Bundy.

Now, everyone knows how much I love germs. Anyway, the kids got some never ending cold three days before Christmas vacation and have been sick ever since. The cold consists of extremely thick disgusting green boogers and horrible cough and one day of fever. Fun. We went no where this Christmas holiday and warned anyone who wanted to come to our house. I don’t like to share our diseases.

I, of course, was the last person to get sick. (On Christmas Day! Lucky me.) The next day was my day of fever and the kids were extremely restless and coming down of their Christmas high. They were all miserable and nasty to one another. Adam had to work, so I had to deal with all the nonsense very sick, 8 months pregnant, and alone.

The kids obviously didn’t care how sick I was because their demands were high and their fighting was out of control. This is where I messed up. Jagger and Jude had gotten into a fight and Jag ended up hitting Jude. Jag of course had to go to time out. He refused to go so I had to pick him up and carry him. (He weighs over 50 lbs. Ugh.) This caused me to have some Braxton Hicks on top of feeling like a feeces sandwich. I turned and Jude had big tears running down his face accompanied by a stream of bright green flowing out both nostrils down into his mouth. I sighed and got a tissue. I picked him up and immediately removed the boogers. Then, without thinking, because I was barely alive and in pain, I wiped his eye with the booger part of the tissue. The voice in my head screamed at my hand that seemed to be on autopilot. My hand finally realized what it was doing and threw the tissue. I ran him over and tried to clean him up properly with clean rags, but the damage was done. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t know how bad.

The next morning, just as I had suspected, Jude woke up with that eye crusted shut. He cried as I put a warm moist rag on his eye to remove the nastiness. I cleaned it, but it oozed all day. It was such a challenge to try and keep him from picking at it. He kept rubbing his eye and then would immediately try to rub the other one with the same hand! It made me insane! Of course, two days later the other eye was crusty. I called the doctor and told him what happened, despite being mortified to tell him it was entirely my fault. Mother of the Year right here! He told me he figured it would clear up on its own and didn’t need any medical attention. I just needed to keep the warm compresses on it. Not like that was an easy task, holding a 3 year old down to remove hard crust from his eyelashes that are sticking like they were placed there with super glue.

It was really embarrassing when my mom, dad, and siblings came to visit. We woke one morning and the kids had already gotten up. Jude didn’t wake me to clean his eyes. I couldn’t figure out why, but the chocolate beard he had when I came down explained it. There stood my youngest son with his eyes nearly crusted shut, green crust surrounding both nostrils with a stream of green ooze coming from the middle, accompanied by a self-made chocolate beard.

Lesson 42: this week, my son Jude is the poster child for white trash

Please don’t ever, EVER wipe your kids’ noses and then put it in their eyes. It’s not pretty. Trust me!

I’m sorry Jude for the eye contamination. Maybe I’ll do better this year! Mother of the Year 2010, here I come!

I would also like to take a minute to wish the love of my life a Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday Adam! With out you this crazy life wouldn't have been half as enjoyable. I love you so much and am so thankful you are my husband!!