May 1, 2010


Nonsense. That word can sum up the past couple of weeks in this house. Did you know crazy was contagious? Just like colds, when one person gets it, they all come down with it. Adam and all the kids have caught the crazy, making them act completely bizarre. I seem to have caught a completely different strain. Mine is more of an irritated crazy, a side effect of dealing with the other absurd one everyone else is suffering from.

Adam is going through some ridiculous home renovation phase. Everyday, he wakes up, takes the kids to school, comes home and destroys something, then leaves for work. First, it was our driveway. Jackie’s railroad tie retaining wall that connects to our drive had become hazardous. There were sharp broken wood chunks and rusty dowel rods sticking out everywhere, waiting to impale one of my children. Adam removed them (with Jackie’s permission) and all the rocks, mud, and clay that surrounded them.

When he was half done, he chatted with me and moseyed over to the yard with the pick ax and pulled up a couple of bricks that stuck out of our yard. When he did this he found there were more under the grass. He thought it would only take a few minutes to pull out a dozen bricks. A day later, he had ripped up half my back yard.

Lesson 56: Finding enough bricks under your yard to build a retaining wall and barbeque = white trash
So, between the destruction of the retaining wall and half my yard, the kids have had ample amounts of mud to gambol in and track lovingly through my house. Their clothes and shoes have been destroyed, my floors have been defiled, and yesterday Jude cavorted in the mud then crawled into our minivan and wiped his feet on 2/3 of the seats. Not to mention, earlier this week Jet brought home a note from his teacher that read, “You can tell that it's Spring! We have a little problem of mud being tacked into our carpeted classroom.” It had to my kid, I just know it!

Lesson 57: teacher sending home notes because your filthy kid is destroying the school = white trash
The worst day had to be when Adam decided to remove everything from the kitchen and deposit it on the dining room table. Not that we use the table that much. There’s 8 of us and we only have 3 chairs, one stool (that can seat 2), and a drum seat. We’re still short 2 seats. Anyway, he sanded the unfinished drywall on our kitchen ceiling, leaving a layer of snow-like drywall dust covering the island, counters, and floor. Then he left. On his way out he said, “You should clean this up and paint the ceiling today.” I sighed as I held an inconsolable Stone, and watched my daughter throw potting soil, from the spider plant in my dining room, all over the floor. “I’ll get right on it.” I grumbled as Jude and Jet ran past me throwing drywall dust at each other, and leaving a trail of little white footprints from the kitchen to the living room.

Now for the kids, I don’t know what the heck is going on. They’ve all ODed on crazy pills. Whining and messes, fighting and messes, hysterical laughing, nonsense conversations, and you guessed it……MORE MESSES! There has been more fighting this month than there has ever been. Our Time Out chair hasn’t had a chance to cool off. There’s been real fighting and now Marky has introduced them to the world of wrestling. Great. Jovie has a big chuck of skin missing from her forehead (because she can’t miss out on a chance to beat up her brothers) and Jet has a black eye. You’d think this would stop them. Nope.

Jovie wins the award for messes. She’s depotted several plants, painted herself in feces, dumped a gallon of milk and swam in it, picked up Jude’s puke bucket and emptied it on the floor, doused my carpet in bubble solution, and that is just a taste of what she’s done. There’s more, trust me, but this blog is long enough.

Jet and Jude tie for the ridiculous conversation prize. They’ve both been saying really odd things, from Jet having night vision, to telling me he can smell chicken in his ears (Adam says it's a side effect of the night vision) and wanting to know, “Who shot dat chicken?”

Jude’s latest is when I go up to wipe his butt he yells, “Surprise! Happy Birthday!”

Lesson 58: only Birthday present you get is a potty chair full of stool = white trash
At least he got me something.

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